U Touch Side PackagingI haven’t had much luck with Topco sex toys in the past. The Silk Touch Egg and Vida Zara vibes I reviewed looked promising but were complete disappointments. And that Handmaiden G-Spot Thrill wasn’t a bad silicone dildo, but you can easily find more effective and aesthetically pleasing designs.

I don’t actively avoid Topco products; they just have yet to impress me. But willing to give them every chance, when I received an email announcing the release of a new luxury line of Topco vibes called U Touch, I asked for one to review.

Chatsworth, CA – March 7, 2013 – Topco Sales®, one of the world’s most trusted and ground-breaking sex toy manufacturers for over four decades has released the U Touch line – a new luxury line of high quality vibrators. With their sleek lines, velvet finish and state-of-the-art design, the U Touch series steps up to a new level of style and sophistication for adult toys.

The U Touch line is available in three models: U Touch Up mini clitoral vibrator, U Touch Side G-Spot vibrator, and U Touch Down tall vibrator. All are ergonomically designed for maximum effectiveness, comfort and control. All three models are made of smooth FDA-approved silicone and feature ultra-powerful yet discreet motors, illuminated touch screen buttons and USB compatible magnetic chargers.

Topco Sales® US Production Development Manager Gerardo Ramos said, “I’m super excited about this new line. I love the touch pad controls and the modern design. They’re really well designed and well made.” Each model of the U Touch line offers an incredible 16 speeds available in nine different functions of vibration and pulsation.

U Touch Side and LELO GigiI requested the U Touch Side because it looked like a girthier version of the LELO Gigi, and I would love for LELO to produce a larger Gigi. I notice a lot of vibes are looking like LELO toys nowadays, actually. From this line alone, the the U Touch Up could be Siri‘s first cousin, and the U Touch Down definitely resembles Mona.

Oh, and if I may digress, I really have to wonder how Topco came up with such names. They either sound like a demand, “You touch up! You touch side!” or a football score. Anyway…

Marketed as luxury sex toys, these vibes certainly try to look the part, and they come in fairly nice packaging. So, at least there’s that, right?

According to the product info, this vibe should have 16 speeds and 9 vibration functions, but I only count 6 different settings, and the “sleek touch pad controller” makes trying to verify the number of speeds frustrating, so I gave up. The motor is fairly quiet, and I would say it’s probably powerful enough for most users. At the higher speeds the vibrations feel more buzzy, not that they start out at what I would call rumbly, but they’re tolerable.

U Touch Side MeasurementsAs for the shape, U Touch Side is a little thicker than my LELO Gigi and has the same curve, but I don’t like the ridges along the underside. They make the shaft feel like it has corners or something. The head also isn’t quite right for me. I don’t know if it’s because Side has less handle than Gigi or what, but the tip just doesn’t hit me where it should.

So yes, I have several issues with the U Touch Side, but the touch pad is what I really hate. I have a thing about how sex toys are controlled because hard to find and/or press buttons are so frustrating. But I don’t think a touch pad is a practical alternative. The handle is short enough as is it, which means some part of your hand/fingers will be in contact with at least part of the touch pad all the time.

The fact that after a few seconds at any setting the controls lock tells me the designers knew this would be a problem and decided to come up with a solution instead of just going with easy-to-press buttons. Thanks to such attention to detail, you won’t accidentally turn the power off or change speeds when you mindlessly adjust your grip while using the U Touch Side. But neither can you up the power or switch settings without first having to unlock the controls by simultaneously pressing the + and – buttons. Good luck seeing how to do that while the vibe is in use, by  the way.

Topco U Touch Side G-Spot VibratorSince the included user manual wasn’t actually for this particular UltraZone vibe (Topco is the manufacturer, UltraZone is the product line), it took me ages to figure out how to work the controls. My only relevant guidance came from the little slip of paper telling me how unlock them.

I’m calling the control areas on the touch pad buttons, even though they’re completely flush and aren’t actually buttons, because I don’t know what else to call them, and “touch pad control area” is just too awkward.

To turn the vibe on or off, simultaneously hold the up and down buttons. Once the motor is on, assuming the controls haven’t already locked themselves, the + and – buttons increase and decrease the motor speed. The up and down buttons toggle through the vibration settings:

  • constant vibration
  • escalating/rev
  • short sharp pulses, similar to machine gun fire
  • a pattern of 5 short pulses then a long pulse
  • a long escalating pulse then multiple short pulses
  • rapid pulse, like the heartbeat of a small animal

If there are 3 other settings, then somebody please let me know in the comments what I’m doing wrong because I’m not finding them. Not that I need to know. I like my vibrations strong, rumbly and constant, so the patterns and pulses mean little to me. But just in case somebody out there who’s considering this vibe sees this review, it might be helpful to them.

Topco ThrustICKAs for me, I can’t recommend the U Touch Side. If you like smaller toys, then get a LELO Gigi. Yes, it costs more, but it also has more power, and the buttons on Gigi’s control dial aren’t nearly as frustrating. If you’d prefer a bigger toy, then take a look at the PicoBong Moka. It’s a slightly larger, more budget-friendly Gigi, and I’ve heard promising things about it. I’m not sure how powerful it can be running on just AAA batteries, so I may try to review one at some point.

By the way, earlier this month I received another new product announcement from Topco for their Thrustick, which is a remote controlled thrusting machine that is self-warming and also vibrates. It comes with 2 different attachments, and they’re both made from “Refined Touch” material as part of the “Skinsation” line. Looks like amazon.com has the best deal on this one at just under $450. Considering the garish design and attachment materials, my first thought was Thrust ICK..

Thank you to Topco for sending me a U Touch Side vibrator in exchange for this review.

4 Comments

  1. Every review I read of this is horrible, and I’m not surprised. I don’t have much love for any of the “Founding 5″ companies, and Topco is one. I also tried the Silk Touch Egg and one of the Vida vibes, and was sorely disappointed. I’m not sure what I hate more about Topco….that they produce so much utter shit, or that they try to produce crap that LOOKS good, to fool people into dropping lots of money, but it’s really just a shit sandwich wrapped in bacon.

    Oh and the Thrust? I do NOT trust it when manufacturers come up with a weird, new name for a material so that you have no frickin idea what it really is. We know what it’s NOT though….silicone.

  2. My hatred for this toy is plentiful – I think you did a terrific job of fleshing out the issues with it.

Comments and feedback welcome.